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The Four Agreements
Posted by Stephanie Lawless on 1/26/2018 7:00:00 AM
After a particularly challenging meeting a few weeks ago I sat in Sandy Finney’s office and complained. It was a really good, full-throttle, pity party for me. I had reached a frustrational tipping point and just needed to have a good pout. I told her, “I just want to feel bad for a minute.” At that moment I saw a small poster she had on her wall. I had actually emailed it to her a few months before. She had printed two copies and put one on my wall and one on hers. When I saw The Four Agreements, I realized I was being ridiculous. The Four Agreements are from a book by don Miguel Ruiz. I will be really honest, I have not read the book but from reading a summary by Brian Johnson it seems pretty deep. It sounds like it can totally change your life. I don’t have time for life-changing right now, so I am going to stick with the basics.
The four agreements: (www.toltecspirit.com)
- Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
- Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others mat do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
- Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
- Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
I always consider things from the lense of supporting students, especially students with extreme behavioral needs, and I cannot help but think these “Agreements” can apply to the way we work with students every day. I often find myself considering these four simple tasks and wondering how things would have been better if I had followed them more closely. So many of my conflicts with students were because I was not clear with my expectations. Or I got frustrated and took something personally. It is so easy to assume a student is defiant or stubborn when really they are confused or scared. And to know that “do your best” is relative. On a hard day a student’s best might just be coming in the room. I know they are capable of more, but I can give them some grace. Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to let go of perfection and embrace effort too.
In that moment in Sandy’s office I was saying bad things about myself, and about my situation. I was taking the events personally, I was making all kinds of assumptions, and I was not trying my best. I was choosing to wallow in my self-pity. After my reminder, I took a deep breath, waited my 90 seconds, and chose to move on. I have a lot of work to do to really embrace these four agreements, and while I do that work, I am going to accept that I am doing my personal best and keep moving forward.
Stephanie Lawless, Assistant Director
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